So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
