did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
