I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
