I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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