I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
