Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
