and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
