I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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