Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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