You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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