It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
