My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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