I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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