i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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