I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
