just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
