I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
