Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
