I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
two words...techno handjob
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
