I must be too annoying 4 u.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
