Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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