I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
