I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
