Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
