I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
