I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
