The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
