so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
