I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
