You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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