She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
