I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
