you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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