Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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