I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
