i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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