I swear she didn't look like that last week.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
