I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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