Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
