I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
