we have officially lost it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
