you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
