I think I won the penis lottery.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
