Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize