I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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