just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
