I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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