I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
