I think im going to throw up on grandma
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
