you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
