put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
