I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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