Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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