so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
