haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
