It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
