I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
