Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
