when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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