Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
